Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Season of Darkness Approacheth its End

September is a difficult month for many of us. It marks the end of the summer. For teachers, students and schools workers its the first month back after our longest break. For Salvationists there's the prospect of collecting. The evenings are getting darker. The days are getting shorter. I could go on. But for me, there is another, particularly epic reason that I hate this autumnal month. For you see September is the month of the dreaded Tipulidae, otherwise known as ... the Daddy Long Legs. Nothing on this great and varied earth can strike fear into my heart quite like the humble crane fly. These mid-season loving arthropods are, I am convinced, the very last thing the Archangel Lucifer was allowed to help create before he was cast out of heaven (in fact, I am inclined to believe that their invention was one of the key reasons for the fall in the first place). Many people think that this insectual (I said inseCtual) fear is somewhat irrational and unfounded. So allow me to briefly list 5 perfectly rational reasons why I believe these creatures should be feared and, ultimately, destroyed:

1) They move weird: Daddy Long Legs don't fly. They don't walk. They don't crawl or swim or climb or even fall. Daddy Long Legs seizure. The life of the crane fly is one long epileptic fit. They are born, they then bump, shake and wobble their way through existence and promptly die. This is weird and creepy. Having a fly (or even a bee) buzz towards me is annoying but seeing a Daddy Long Legs hover it's way across the carpet (or wall or ceiling) is just sinister and alarming. If any person did that to you you'd hit them with a brick. If making a bee line towards someone is approaching them directly and quickly then a Daddy Long Legs line would involve one getting on the ground and silently (and without permission or invitation) sneaking up on them - like a ninja. Or a stalker!!! Yeah. That's it. Daddy Long Legs are the nervous twitchy stalkers of the insect world.

2) They have no purpose: Daddy Long Legs do nothing. NOTHING!! Bees make honey. Humans make iPods. Crane flies? Zip! Zilch! Nada! They have no purpose and no meaning. Do you know what that means? They have no soul. Do you know what else has no soul? Vampires. Daddy Long Legs are vampires.

3) Poison: Did you know that the Daddy Long Legs has the most poisonous venom known to man? The fact that they don't have the teeth to administor said poison is neither here nor there. The fact is, they're deadly. You can't call that irrational.

(NB: For the sake of honesty and integrity, readers should know that Daddy Long Legs, in fact, do not have even remotely harmful venom. This is a widely believed urban myth. However, for the sake of this blog, I would like you to ignore this and continue with the perpetuation of the poison myth - this just makes for a stronger argument for me)

4) Look at them: Just flipping look at them. They are spindly and fragile and are held together by air. They look like a spider's web came to life and you can't tell me that wouldn't freak you out.

5) And finally, if you needed anymore convincing. If just looking at them with human eyes won't budge your resolve then check out what they look like under the microscope:


Tell me that isn't a hideous creature of Greek mythological proportions. I defy anyone to not shudder upon its countenance. There is only one word for it:

Bleeeuurgggghharhahahaaaaaarrrrgh!!

But as I say, the season's coming to an end now so I really don't need to worry about it.

3 comments:

Kirst said...

Oh that picture made my skin crawl! Eugh!

Katie said...

I think you deserve a gold star award for bravery after the other night. Maybe next time you could even help me catch and release it... ;)

Mitchenstein said...

I LOVE September.

Just thought I'd share that.