Thursday, November 22, 2007

In Need of a Drive Transplant


So my blogging as of late has been on the slow side. And by slow I mean, of course, simply not happening. I've been blaming this on various things. Facebook has featured quite highly in my list of reasons. I was also about to name my lack of inspiration as a culprit but as I was doing so I realised that I worked in a bookstore for a year and during that time I was the Blog King (officially named at the 2006 blogspot awards in Stockholm). I am out and about so much more these days that I should have inspiration oozing from my sweat glands. But inspiration has not been oozing from my sweat glands. Sweat has been oozing from sweat glands. But no inspiration. And anyway, even without my sweaty inspiration I still have plenty of ten-year-old diary entries to regale you all with and I know how much you love those (when I say "you" I am, of course, referring to the one person who has not given up on this blog - hello Glyn. Sorry. Still no comments. Try again in 5 minutes).

So if it's not inspiration lackage that is to blame, where can I point the finger? Unfortunately, it would seem that my lacklustre blogging efforts (and by "lacklustre" I mean, of course "non-existent") is part of a much larger problem. I am suffering from drive failure. I am losing my drive. You know the way Austin Powers lost his mojo? That's kinda like how I've lost my drive. Except I'm not going to go on a time-travelling adventure to reclaim it from the hands of my arch-nemesis because, well, I can't be bothered.

I've lost drive in most things. I've lost drive in my church. I've lost drive in my writing. I've lost drive in doing a lot of the things that I really want to do. I wouldn't say that I've lost my drive in my job so much but I'm certainly starting to feel it slip. And the reason I'm losing my drive in these things. Well it's lots of reasons but I think mainly just because I'm fed up. I'm fed up with the way things are and I want to do something about it but I don't know where to begin and nothing's changing and no matter what I try to do, someone will convince me I'm wrong or naive or incapable and a lot of the time I'll convince myself that I'm wrong or naive or incapable and I don't know what I want to do or which of my hairbrained schemes to persue or where to start with any of them and I end up not working towards any of them and get really frustrated and then start using words like hairbrained and it all goes to pot.

This weekend a group of us went to Eastbourne for the youth worker's conference and while the others seemed to come away from it feeling really inspired and strengthened I came away feeling really bogged down by all the things I want to do but can't. I felt like I was hearing from a lot of great Christian youth workers who were doing great Christian youth work and that was great for them but how would I start putting that into practice. And where do I start? Do I start up the theatre company that I've wanted since I was 16? Do I spend more time fighting the traditionalism in my church? Is that even an issue worth worrying about? Do I do more detached work in my job? Do I do more assemblies in my job? Do I spend more time with fewer young people or less time with more young people? Do I work to feed myself or do I stay where I am so that I can serve no matter how frustrating and draining it gets? Do I do this or do I focus on that and how can I do it all and whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge...

And with all this confusion and fumbling around and whinging my drive has decided to take a vacation until my brain gets back into gear and I can begin to focus. I think I need to come to the realisation that "Here Lies the Man who Saved the World" will probably never appear on my gravestone.

But the reason I'm blogging now is that I feel that maybe there's an answer and as much as I hate to admit it (so I won't - not yet) I think it's an answer that I've known for a while. I've had a couple of really positive conversations over the past few days that have helped me realise that the answer to my lack of drive and general feeling of peace may well lie with something I've been putting off for the past couple of years. It's really scary but at the same time I'm feeling a certain peace and excitement about it that I haven't felt in a long while.

So I guess what I'm saying is: I need more drive and watch this space....

3 comments:

plumsauce10 said...

when you find out how to get the drive then let me no bro.

One thing always said to me.... God'll reveal His plans when it's right to reveal them, until then we should live in anticipation of the things that are to come.

There's no way you'll do nothing with your life, God's given you way too much talent for that, so when things seem like they're not gonna happen or are even going in the direction of - well - anywhere, just look at the plain facts. You've got talent, you've got God and that means you have a future.

Plus it'll be something you really want. God wants to give you your hearts desire. He's nice like that.

Liz said...

'...someone will convince me I'm wrong or naive or incapable and a lot of the time I'll convince myself that I'm wrong or naive or incapable...'

Hey Glyn, you're none of those, but you can be an honorary member of the Wrong, Naive and Incapable Club if you like. We are an undercover group at the moment, but one day....come the great day.... we'll RULE the world.

I love how your sis closes her comment, it makes me feel safe :)

The word verification is 'houwa' and that's kind of how I feel right now!

Kirst said...

Do you ever have that feeling that your own thoughts have somehow been extacted from your mind and written down by someone else for you to read?...

Or how about the feeling that there are always more questions, but rarely any answers...

Or how about that someone else is living with the same fears and frustrations as you...and dealing with it so much better?

Nice to have you back. I missed your bloggage.