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Congas and New Friends

Today's been a good day.

In youth cell this morning we looked at the passage in 2Samuel 6 where David enters the city wearing his iPod whilst his servants are shouting and blowing their crumpets (there were a few mishearings and verbal slip ups during the reading) and starts dancing like an idiot, much to the disapproval of some. We were exploring what it meant to be undignified and/or frowned upon in our worship so I thought it would be a brilliant idea to start the session by having them conga round the church to Ricky Martin whilst unsuspecting congregants were enjoying a nice, quiet cup of tea. Now I don't mean to blow my own crumpet but it really was a brilliant idea. It was a lot of fun for a start and people geninely didn't seem to know how to react. This led to some really encouraging discussions from the young people about what it really meant to worship (how can we go nuts over a conga despite what other people might think yet we find it so difficult in worship?) I'm really enjoying the way the small groups are working this year and I'm looking forward to seeing how they develop further.

This evening was spent in the company of a family from my church who I've never really gotten to know properly in the past. They are all beautiful beautiful people and it was great having the chance to chat to them and laugh with them and find out more about them and their heart and their faith. I have just got in and I'm feeling really refreshed and excited about what the future holds. I have said to a few friends this week that I was feeling really lonely with the youth work in the church but today I have had so many comments of thanks and encouragement and support that I'm now feeling really uplifted.

So yeah. Today's been a good day.

Goodbyeeeee!

My apologies that:

a) this has been uploaded two days later than it was filmed

b) something that I'd intended to be quite quirky and funny actually turned out...well like this:

Hope your having fun bro!

Joke Query

Has anyone ever written a joke about a man who walks into a Bar Mitzvah?

It could go something like:

A guy walks into a Bar Mitzvah. Ouch! ... mitzvah

Conversation of a Lapsed Blogger

Me: Dan, would you redesign my blog page?

Dan: How do you mean?

Me: I want a newly designed blog that looks really good

Dan: Ok

Me: I want exciting graphics

Dan: Ok

Me: Bold colours

Dan: Right

Me: With some kind of a theme

Dan: Uh-huh

Me: Something original

Dan: Sure

Me: Something a bit like yours

Dan: Ok

Me: What do you think

Dan: Hmm

Me: What do you mean by hmm?

Dan: Well it's a fair amount of work

Me: Ok

Dan: Which I'm happy to do

Me: Right

Dan: For you

Me: Uh-huh

Dan: Because you're my brother

Me: Sure

Dan: The problem is you don't blog

Me: I do too blog

Dan: You haven't blogged since 1976

Me: Yeah but that's only because I have a really boring blog that I've got really bored of blogging on. If I had an exciting new blog, I'd blog all the time.

Dan: No you wouldn't

Me: I totally would

Dan: Prove it

Me: What?

Dan: Prove that you'll blog all the time

Me: How

Dan: Blog

Me: What?

Dan: Blog everyday for a month and I'll redesign your blog page.

Me: But I'll never do that

Dan: Then I'm not wasting my time making you a man of style over substance

Me: But the whole point is that I'm not blogging because the page is boring. I want a proper redesign and then I'll relaunch it.

Dan: But what is it about a new look that'd make you blog.

Me: I don't know, it just would

Dan: Well surely the prospect of a redesign should have the same effect

(Pause)

Me: Everyday?

Dan: Yup!

Me: For a month?

Dan: Yup

(Pause)

Me: Couldn't I offer to give you a shoulder massage everytime I see you for the next month?

Dan: I'm going to be in Bristol for the next three years

Me: Well until you go to Bristol then?

Dan: You are right now this very second driving me to Bristol

(Pause)

Me: I was hoping you'd have forgotten that

Dan: You're an idiot

Me: Well what if I...

Dan: Nope

Me: But instead of...

Dan: Blog for a month

Me: Yeah but what if...

Dan: Not interested

(Pause)

Me: Darn it

(The blog Confessions of an Innocent Man will be redesigned and relaunched on Saturday 18th October - Pending the successful completion of a certain challenge)

Frozen Grand Central

This is awesome!

Quick Catch Up!

For some reason, this wouldn't come out any bigger on the blog. You have to click on the image to fully appreciate it in all its beauty.

Advent Poems (Dec 24th) - You Came

I am here
You came

I am here, refusing to move
You came to meet the stubborn
I screw up, never getting it right
You came to forgive the mistakes
I don’t know what it is to live – not properly
You came to teach the hopeless

I’m here
You came

I put myself first
You came as the least
I like to look important
You came in humiliation
I keep getting lost
You came to find me

I am here
And you came

I give, predominantly according to what I am likely to get in return
You gave up everything to serve those who had nothing

I avoid spending time with those I don’t deem to be worthy of my company
You became a joke
An embarrassment
A disgrace
You sacrificed a throne of power and influence to be looked down upon by those residing in gutters
You left behind royal robes to wash the feet of fishermen

I am here
You came

I insist on comfort
On popularity
On attention
I demand my rights
I focus on what I do not have
As I “sacrifice” my ten percent

You came into this world amongst cows
Covered in blood and hay and filth
You came into the cold
To a world that rejected you to barns and sheds
Even before your birth

You came

You came to a poor family
You came to a lowly and pathetic set of guests
You came to a government that feared you
You came to a law that sought to destroy you
You came as an outlaw
You came as a child
A baby
A newborn
A foetus
You came to a dangerous world
A world that already hated you
Already despised you
A world that long before had turned its back on you
A world that would spend 30 years of its history trying to physically annihilate you
And thousands more trying to get rid of you completely
You came to that world in the most vulnerable of states

And you changed everything

I am nothing
Filling that void with worthless importance
Searching for meaning
And purpose
And love

I am here
And you came

Advent Poems (Dec 23rd) - Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year
I would like peace for all mankind.
Place it in a box and wrap it in a bow.
Make sure, this year, everyone knows
That peace on earth is achieved.
I would really love to receive
Peace and joy and harmony
And cheer and understanding for all
Make the weak feel ten feet tall.
To the poor give wealth
To the sick give health
And make the world a better place
Let earth and sky resound with grace
Let global peace be waiting for me
When I look under the Christmas tree
Dear Santa Claus I make this plea
Yours truly, lots of love, from Me -x-

…

P.S. Dear Santa
Also, please do not forget
My radio controlled Meccano set
And if it’s not too high a price
A chocolate fountain would be nice
I need, of course, some garden tools
An i-pod would be pretty cool
A drill, some socks, a model train
Some DVD’s and candy canes
And if all this weighs down your sleigh
We’ll save peace for another day
I really want world hope and love
Just not instead of other stuff
So Santa let my gifts increase
And maybe next year ask for peace.

Advent Poems (Dec 22nd) - If I Were a Turkey

To be sung to the tune of If I were a Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof (I have attached the song so you can play it and sing along if you don't know it).

If I were a turkey
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yum
I would run away at Christmas time
If I were a turkey bird
I’d really have to work hard
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yum
Christmas day is not a festive time
If you are a big, fat turkey bird

I’d act like big fat cows or small tiny gerbils
Dogs, cats or any kind of pet
Animals that aren’t served as Christmas lunch
There would be one mad turkey just going moo
And one even madder who’s a vet
And one crazed bird who thinks he’s Captain Crunch

I’d wag my tail and purr and bark and I’d bleat and neigh
For the farm to see and hear
Anytime the farmer or wife gets near
And each loud “woof!” and “meow!” and “baaa!” and “eeaaw!”
Would land like a trumpet on the ear
As if to say “there are no turkeys here.”

If I were a turkey
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yum
I would run away at Christmas time
If I were a turkey bird
Oh sage and onion stuffing
Mix it, boil it, stir it, ball it and then stick it up my bum
Christmas day is not a festive time

If you are a big, fat turkey bird

I’d hide in sheds or trees or behind other turkeys
Inside a bush or underground
Anywhere to make sure that I wasn’t seen
I would hitch-hike my way to some exotic country
Somewhere where I could not be found
Where turkeys are treated like kings and queens

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!

They would ask me to advise them,

Like a Mother Goose the Wise.

"If you please, Sir Turkey..."

"Pardon me, Sir Turkey..."

Posing problems that would cross my farmer's eyes.
Gobble Gooooooble
Gobble Gooooooble
Gobble Gooooooble
Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.

When you're there, they treat you like a god.

If I were there, I'd have the time that I lack

To sit in the sun all day and tan.
And made to feel that I stood at ten feet tall

And at Christmas they’d serve the finest of foods
And I am not on the menu plan.

And that would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a turkey

Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yum
All day long I’d gobble gobble yum

If I were a turkey bird

I’d really have to work hard
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble yum
There are things I never could avoid
Christmas time my neck would feel a void
That is why I’m vastly overjoyed
That I’m not a turkey bird

Advent Poems (Dec 21st) - My Last Mince Pie

I hate mince pies, mince pies suck
The chewy, slimy, sickly mess
One more pie I swear I’ll chuck
I couldn’t like those mince pies less

All month long I’ve had to munch
Each day and every night
Pies for breakfast, pies for lunch
I cannot take another bite

I’m full, I’m done, I’m going to die
My head and guts are reeling
As every chew of every pie
Gets less and less appealing

So burn and destroy all supplies
I’m sick to death of fresh mince pies

Advent Poems (Dec 20th) - Joseph Limerick

There was a young man named Joseph
Who, um…. darnit!

Advent Poems (Dec 19th) - Carol Singers (Part 4)

Sitting alone in my flat in the cold
People I loved have now left
Family and friends walked out long ago
Now I’m anxious, depressed and bereft

Everything I’ve ever believed in was false
All those I trusted told lies
There is no humanity, love has no pulse
And kindliness dwindles and dies

Today I discovered that nothing is real
Today marked the back-breaking straw
Today put an end to every ideal
Today my heart learnt to close doors

Tonight is the night that all of this ends
Tonight I escape from the pain
Tonight I respond to a world that pretends
Tonight I will crumble in vain

I slowly and cautiously get to my feet
And pray for a reason to fight
When suddenly, quietly, out from the street
Some soft voices sing “Silent Night”

I peer through my curtains and smile as I see
Ten people with mince pies and wine
They grin and they laugh as they sing out of key
Their quivering voices divine

They walk down the road and they sing outside drives
In their jubilant, Christmas time quest
I sit and I listen and keep closing my eyes
As I silently make my requests

After an hour, I hear my bell ring
I hold my breath, hoping they’ll pass
Not wanting to show them this mess that I’m in
So I freeze as I peer through the glass

They leave and I see them try a few more
Who seem to think that it’s a con
Maybe I should have just opened the door
But when I look back they are gone

I wish I had joined them and not stayed and moped
I wish I had worked to spread cheer
But as I reflect, I am filled with the hope
That maybe I’ll see them next year

Advent Poems (Dec 18th) - Carol Singers (Part 3)

We sing for an hour then slowly head home
Heads down and feeling dejected
Ten people united in feeling alone
In not getting what was expected

The smiles have faded, the laughter has stopped
The mince pies and mulled wine have gone cold
Our mission to brighten up Christmas has flopped
I guess Christmas is getting too old

They’ve all stopped believing that people are nice
So nobody answers the door
People assume it must come at a price
That we’re scouting and asking for more

Maybe our seasonal plan was naïve
In a world that will always suspect
Perhaps it was foolishness had us believe
That carols would have an affect

Advent Poems (Dec 17th) - Carol Singers (Part 2)

Relaxing at home with a beer
These moments of calm are in danger
When suddenly what do I hear
Songs of “Away in a Manger”

I jump up to switch off the lights
So when they knock, I can ignore
But I’m too late and they catch sight
Of my frame through the glass in the door

They tell me they don’t want my money
Which instantly makes me suspect
These guys are up to something funny
Recruiting for some kind of sect

I make my excuse and they make their retreat
I can’t help a slight twinge of shame
I peer out my window and all down the street
The reactions are mostly the same

Advent Poems (Dec 16th) - Carol Singers (Part 1)

Wrapped up, gloved and excited
Traditional songbooks in hand
Ten people together, united
In our seasonal holiday plan

Tonight we are going to sing
Carol’s of Jesus’ birth
Our joyful endeavour to bring
A blessing to our bit of earth

We’re handing out free, fresh mince pies
And non-alcoholic mulled wine
To neighbours and cold passers-by
To brighten up their Christmas time

So here we stand, cold and aflame
Our songbooks out, ready to start
We silently whisper one name
As we sing from the depths of our hearts

Advent Poems (Dec 15th) - Gateway FM

This afternoon I joined Matt and Ruth in the studio for Matt's radio show with Gateway FM in the Basildon shopping centre. I was there to read some of my advent poetry but Matt decided it would be fun if he, without any prior warning, challenged me to write a poem in 45 minutes while we were on air. This is what I produced in that time (NB: there are a few references to things that were going on in the shopping centre today but for the most part, those lines that don't make sense are a result of a limited amount of time and me getting desperate) :

Sitting in the studio
Matt and Ruth are a gem
From the Basildon steeple to all of three people
It’s Christmas on Gateway FM

With music across the decades
And local news from the shops
We’re here until three. There’s a big walking tree
He’s live and not likely to stop

Ruth didn’t get the good mic
Because she turned up quite late
The gremlins were lurking, the music stopped working
But now it’s all back and it’s great

So this is my day on the radio
Let’s hope it happens again
The tinsel is glistening but no one is listening

This Christmas on Gateway FM

Advent Poems (Dec 14th) - Herod Limerick

There was an old man who was king
Who did a peculiar thing
He ordered all boys
Under two be destroyed
Just so king could then cling to his bling

Advent Poems (Dec 13th) - Shepherd Limerick

There was a young man called Phillipe
Whose job was to look after sheep
One night he looked higher
To a heavenly choir
And ran waking peeps from their sleep

Advent Poems (Dec 12th) - Advent Songs

Advent poems and advent songs
Advent rights and advent wrongs
Losing patience, gaining strength
Holding now and then at length

We pause and as we rest we toil
Bringing silence to the boil
Longing still to be connected
To something more than we expected

Making noise and celebration
In active anticipation
Working hard in quiet reflection
Waiting for divine detection

Our spirits lift and we’re aware
For what it is we must prepare
And while we wait, we scrape along
Singing joyful advent songs